My uncle's funeral was today. I just picked up my parents and dropped them off at home. The feeling during the ride was strange. What do you say to someone who has just buried her little brother? My mom looked so tired and sad. My uncle had just gotten a passport to Canada and was planning to leave, so nothing makes sense right now.

In a sense, I’m glad that I didn’t make it home for his funeral. I am a very outspoken person who speaks without a filter when angry. It would have been hard to be there with everyone and all of the memories of what people did, not only to him, but to others close to me as well.

There are reasons I have never gone home, but I am not going to speak of them until after some time has passed. I am worried about my Grandma. I don’t wanna hear anyone saying that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in that, nor am I a religous person. When I watched my son suffer and die, I stopped believing.

I respect that most of the readers here have faith, but it will not be something you will hear me speaking of. Good or bad. It’s not up to what people should believe, I only know my beliefs. I know that there is a lot of guilt going around, I have plenty myself. I should have been a better neice and called my uncle.

I thought of him on Christmas which is also his birthday, but I didn’t call.

I am hoping with everything in me that this doesn’t cause more depression in the family. I don’t know what I can do to prevent it though. I know when my son died, when people tried comforting me, it sometimes caused more pain. They meant well with their words and advice, but I did not receive it well.

I am at a loss for words right now.

I’m worried about my aunt, who was my best friend all of my childhood, we were very close in age. Her and my uncle were even closer in age. He was a little older, so he has been there through her whole life. What does one do?

That’s all I have for now.